Ethereal.

Dear my fellow exchange friends,

I'm going to be very blunt in this post.

Don't get me wrong. Eventhough some things might refer to some specific event or person, I promise to not portray them inappropriately nor negatively.

Let's start, shall we?

So it all began tonight. My YES friends and I had a genuine conversation about how we feel with keeping up (or not), with people back in the U.S after we're all back home and settled. I couldn't stop linking this keeping-up issue with my host families back in the U.S and how switching them out for several time taught me so much about myself.

It was 11th of June 2014 when I got an e-mail saying that AFS found my host family. I still remember how I felt- I quickly rushed downstairs and hugged my mom in tears. It was very revealing, of course, and relieving as well. Minutes later, I found myself scrolling down the host family information on my laptop screen. However, I then realized that I had to move to another host family after a semester as they were only able to host me for that period of time.

To be honest, I was not expecting this. I couldn't get into thinking of how my exchange year was going to be that way- yes, I used to imagine that I would only have one host family that would be the same until the end of my exchange year. Sure enough, I created the thought that switching out was the worst thing one has to experience on his exchange year.

But luckily, I was wrong.

If you are wondering, yes I switched out twice. Well, four times actually, if you also count my temporary host families. (Shoutout to The Barlows and The Ubogys!).

Then come the question I tend to get from people : "Was it hard to do?"

I would say, it wasn't easy but it also wasn't as hard as you probably imagine.

Switching out several times has made me realize how it's all about the relationship you build. You know, host families and exchange students are like puzzle pieces. Sometimes they fit, sometimes they don't. And it doesn't necessarily mean that one failed to fulfill another one's expectation. It's all about finding where you belong and where you don't. Some people consider switching out is like leaving the puzzle piece you were trying very hard to fit (but never did), to find new ones that are easier to fit.

In some other cases, it's not because of the student. Here's the thing : things change all the time. At anytime, really, a host family might become unable to keep an additional member in their house for several reason. For example, your host family could say, "Sorry but we gotta move you out because it's becoming more expensive for us to pay for your foods.". The next thing you know, you're in a new host family welcoming you. I'm not saying this is always the case, but always remember that it's not always about you- but other things also revolve around your host family and that these might interfere with the reason of you moving out.

What's more beautiful for me is that living with several host families have added some perspectives into my life. I was lucky to see different things that families do and how interesting they are. For example, my first host sister was a vegetarian (soon to be a vegan, likely), while my third host sister ate everything (at least of what I know. Sorry, Sofie).

My friend Yunda also said that switching out means that you are given a restart button. You get to see what you've gone through in your previous host family and has given the chance to fix the mistakes on the new one. To me, this was a great outlook and probably the best way one can do in the mentioned situation. I mean, people make mistakes, right?

I stayed with Gam's host family as my temporary host family. Missing them!

So, now, please. If you ever blame yourself for thinking that you failed yourself simply because your host family wanted you to move out or not wanting to host another exchange student after you go home, don't. Remember, it's not always about you. 

xoxo,

14-1-25-1

P.S : If you're an exchange student switching out or had had similar experience you'd like to share, feel free to hit me up on my Instagram @hasnaa.naya!

"Di Amerika enak ya Nay? Terus sekarang mau lanjut sekolah di mana?"

Diam.

Untuk pertama kalinya di hidup gue, badan gue seakan lumpuh mendengar pertanyaan itu. Otak dan hati gue seakan bersekongkol, ogah diajak menetapkan pilihan demi sebuah jawaban. Nyatanya, gue ternyata gak bisa jawab. Gue gak tau.
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.
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Selama ini, hidup gue selalu berada di jalan-jalan setapak. Gue berlari, berjalan, dan hidup di jalan-jalan yang udah gue lalui itu. Sesekali, memang, gue melompati kerikil yang menghalangi. Sesekali juga gue terbuai oleh indahnya perjalanan yang sedang gue lalui. Tapi, ketika akhirnya perjalanan gue sekarang berhenti karena sudah berujung, gue langsung dihadangkan oleh beribu jalan setapak lainnya.

Dan gue tidak bisa dengan gampangnya memilih seperti dulu- hey, I knew after I graduated from elementary school, I was going to middle school. And so on, until the time I'm now in high school. Memang, gue memutuskan untuk "melenceng" sedikit dari jalan SMA gue, dan mencoba jalan pertukaran pelajar di Amerika Serikat. I was on a new road for a year, and in the end, no regret was taken.

Tapi, sekembalinya gue dari sana, gue gak tau jalan apa yang selanjutnya akan gue ambil. Apalagi, setelah gue merasakan bahwa temen-temen gue sekarang sudah berpencar dalam jalannya masing-masing di kampus mereka.

Sekarang, giliran gue harus memilih. Jalan yang mana?

Sama, semua jalan setapak baru itu mempunyai kerikil. Mereka semua juga punya bunga-bunga indah yang bisa gue kagumi di perjalanannya nanti. Lalu, apa susahnya memilih? Bukannya gue udah pernah merasakan berbagai kerikil dan bunga di hidup gue?

Entah. Susah. Gue masih belum tau jawabannya.

Padahal, sebagai seseorang ENTJ yang (katanya) selalu punya perencanaan bahkan terhadap hal-hal kecil di hidupnya kayak "Besok pas ke Kokas masuknya lewat pintu Food Society aja deh biar cepet.", dan hal-hal kecil maupun besar lainnya, gue jadi bingung sama diri sendiri. Kenapa susah banget ngerencanain, atau bahkan milih? Bukannya banyak jalan yang terbuka lebar?

Tapi, ternyata inilah hidup. Hidup ini tidak usah dipertanyakan. Hidup selalu memberikan jawaban. Hanya tugas kita yang mencari jawaban itu.

Sebenarnya juga, hidup ini adalah selamanya pencarian diri. Manusia senantiasa mencari dari jawaban atas pertanyaannya sendiri.

Maka itulah, mungkin, ketika gue bertanya "Gue mau kuliah dimana?", sebenernya gue udah tau jawabannya.
Hanya tinggal gue sendiri yang meyakini pilihan gue.

Atau mungkin, ketika gue mempertanyakan, "Kenapa sih gue mesti susah-susah cari beasiswa buat kuliah ke luar negeri sementara temen-temen gue yang lain tinggal bayar aja?", gue udah mengerti alasannya.
Hanya tinggal gue yang perlu mengikhlaskan.

...dan juga, ketika gue bertanya, "Masih bisa gak sih gue menjemput mimpi gue kuliah ke luar negeri?", sudah ada anggukan yang terasa di dalam hati.
Hanya tinggal gue yang menetapkan.

Sekarang, banyak jalan yang menyapa di depan mata gue. Yet, I still don't know which road to take.

Semoga, Allah lewat alam semestanya mengizinkan gue untuk tahu.

Karena, saya rindu hidup di sebuah jalan; bukan di persimpangan seperti sekarang.

Aamiin.



Jakarta, 05 September 2015.

14-1-25-1.